WHY I STOPPED COMPLAINING
… AND STARTED DOING THIS INSTEAD.
I was not really born an optimist (or maybe I was, but my immediate environment quickly changed it). Optimism is something I have had to train, just like any other “muscle” that I’ve worked hard for (because strong physic is also not something I was inherently born with).
I still remember the day when I finally realized that I had all the choices in life. And that I also had enough energy and mental power to take responsibility for making those choices. That was a day of true liberation for me.
When I finally brought to light my excessive habit of complaining, it was no short of revolutionary how much of my time I was actually spending in that mental headspace.
I, like most people I believe, had been pretty unconscious about what was going on in my mind, for a great part of my life, until I started paying attention (for me the book ‘The Power of Now’ was what did it).
Moving towards a reality where I am conscious about everything I do, and have a saying and a choice, is what I consider to be my “spiritual work”. Expanding my conscious mind, gaining insights into my subconscious mind, and in deep states of meditation, even touching the unconscious mind, is part of my daily life and what I want to have a greater experience of (a great question to ask yourself and gain clarity on).
When we don’t know something, we don’t have a choice. When clarity comes, we start to have choices.
That’s how I stopped complaining: I became aware of how much time I was actually spending on it. Precious time, that I could spend on building up instead of tearing down. Later on I realized that complaining is not only a complete waste of my time and energy (as it means being stuck in a space without taking action), I also came across a study that actually shows how this behavior kills your braincells! Even by listening to someone complain you lose braincells.
Several studies—the most famous one being the one from 2019 conducted by Robert Sapolsky at Stanford university—shows that complaining wires your brain for negativity. But here’s the good part: your brain has the power to transform (it’s called neuro plasticity for those new to it, and it is quite fascinating). By repetition, you can transform how you think (also the automated thoughts).
Whenever we want to change a habit, it can be useful to put something instead. This week I have had to change a habit which had stopped serving me. We ended our breastfeeding journey after 2.5 years. It meant both for me and my son that we had to redefine a lot of our behavior. Obviously, (or maybe not so obvious?) I felt it was easier for my son to adapt than for me, as children generally have less set habits than adults.
I am someone who love habits, I cling to them (so many earth sign placements *sigh*). This whole thing is actually for me not about taking away the habits, but replacing them with something that is useful, constructive and serves.
The possibility to change is always there for us, but depending on how deep rooted the habit is, it will take an equal amount of effort to change it (with kundalini yoga there are shortcuts though).
Now when something bothers me, or when I am upset about something, instead of externalizing, blaming, and complaining, I take a deep breath and I ask myself “do I really really want to spend energy towards this? Do I really want to feed that habit and potentially make it stronger?” I could spend hours, maybe days, in that space. I can completely see it to the end. So I might as well skip it right? So that’s what I do now: I literally just cut to the end, to that space where I already solved it/got over it/quit it etc. That’s my replacement habit.
Easier said than done of course, but consider this: When we complain about something, it is because we get stuck. We can’t move forward from what happened, and so we keep repeating it, to ourselves or to others.
In yogic science there is a practice to stop “complaining, competing and comparing”. Those 3 Cs are a cause of unhappiness in our lives. When we can avoid said behavior we literally become more happy.
Those three Cs can be replaced with 3 other Cs: Being Content, Contained and Continuous.
When we are content, contained and continuous, we cannot complain. When we know how to keep moving forward (being continuous), when we know how to be the masters of our own energy field, and we do not enter the neurotic thoughts of others (being contained), and when we know how count our blessings and not our curses (being content) then we can keep moving forward, and not get stuck in our habits of complaining, competing and comparing. (There’s another saying that whatever comes to you, is either a blessing or a challenge—never a curse—and that is a really good attitude to adopt as well I believe).
Try it for yourself, and see how this mindset shift has the power to transform how you feel, and the level of happiness that you experience in your daily life.
I invite you to try 40 days of no complaining, competing and comparing—and instead be contained, content and continuous.
Watch your life transform.
Interested in learning more about the mind, and how it works from a yogic perspective? Join my weekly class, this Tuesday, January 24 at 9.30 CET. JOIN MY WEEKLY CLASSES
For a deep dive into yogic science check out my DEEPER STUDIES Course. We started already but everything is available for replay. We just started last week so it shouldn’t require so much effort to catch up. JOIN DEEPER STUDIES COURSE
Need help breaking a habit? Try this meditation to break habits and addictions. ADDICTION MEDITATION
